You are and always have been a cunt. C-U-N-T. I don't use that word lightly. You're a bitter washed up shell of a woman who can't seem to keep a man around for more than a month without getting knocked up. You're so obvious and shallow. You don't even see yourself, do you? Good luck with that but you still didn't ruin Christmas. I was given a beautiful piece of custom jewelry and he had an ugly tattoo removed.
News Flash... Dean and 'Draf' know one another. In fact, they've spoken on the phone. If he had anything to say, he would. He has our phone numbers and he and I talk regularly. What you don't know is that we've been friends since High School. Even my daughter knows who he is. This makes you look even more pathetic.
Go back to your shitty retail job and slutting around. We're happy and there is nothing you can do to change that.
P.S. Did you get those divorce papers done? I know it's impossible to get you to do anything responsible but we've got a date set and the deposits on the band and chapel are non-refundable.
The therapists say that my nurturing need comes from being the oldest child. It comes from being the caretaker in my family for my parents and siblings for most of my life. I was born this way. I was born old. I don't remember ever really enjoying childhood and being childish. I liked to interact with adults and I liked to supervise the other children. I was rarely the one actually playing in the dirt.
I've gone through the whole childish phase. The thing where I play in the dirt and relive all the things I wanted to do as a kid. I've actually gotten to the point where I don't like McNuggets. I think I'm over all of that. I've been an adult as a child, I've been a child as an adult. Now I have to figure out what it means to be an adult as an adult.
I know that I need to feel responsible for myself. I need to feel like I've accomplished something, that I've actually earned my place in the world. I think that's why I despise the whole 'wife' thing so much. The idea that I earned my place in life by lying on my back is revolting to me. I know that I have to finish school and I'm really trying to get that out of the way and I feel like I will be so much happier once I can say 'hey, this degree... it's mine'.
I've just realized that there are a few things that I need to do in order to feel like an adult as an adult. I am going to put my energy into those. I'll keep you posted.
I really thought I knew. I thought I had it all figured out. At least for the time being and with the realization that it could vary day to day by a small amount.
Now I'm starting to question it all. Starting to wonder what I really AM looking for. What completes me? Strike that, I'm whole on my own. What compliments me? I'm not sure that anything can. What satisfies me? Ditto on nothing. So, now what?
I have an entire list of things that I have tried in order to fill that interior void. Nothing works. I just keep trying to put it all together and hope that I somehow patch up a normal existence out of the pieces. But why? When do I get that feeling that I OWN myself? When do I get that feeling that I AM who I want to be? Will I ever?
I can say that I'm closer to that than when I started and I've come a long way, but it's not long enough. There's too much that I'm not doing or haven't done. Too much that I've missed out on. Too many adventures that I fear will never be taken. I know that my book is extraordinary and moving and every time I get a new therapist they are always impressed. But I'm not. I don't think that will ever change.
Relationships. Here we go. This happens to be my favorite band aid for all that is lacking inside of me. I'll find infatuation and totally forget that I hate me. But I don't forget. And unless there is much drama to keep me entertained they end up crumbling and falling apart. I don't want them to fall apart, I would really like to enjoy the security of a happy relationship but I don't have any idea how to get there. Or, for that matter, what it would look like when I get there. Will it really make me happy? I don't know. If I put all of this work into it and drag another poor soul along , one who I would have to love/value/respect for it to even pretend to work, will I just get to the other side and say 'no thanks'? Given my track record, the answer is a resounding 'YES'. But I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be emotionally in your face with all that I WANT you to see and then completely unavailable with all that I don't want you to see. I don't want to be intense and insecure. I don't want to think so fucking much and I really would like to know what will make me happy.
I've heard it all, really. Teagan needs a father figure. Women seek financial and emotional security from men. You need to live your own life and not worry about it. Two parents households are better for children. You're young, you'll marry someone and have more kids and this will all just be a bump in the road.
But what if I don't want to? What if MY desire ISN'T to be a "wife", some appliance that is essential to the household, like the fridge. What if I don't want to be the 'wo' to someone's 'man'? What if I don't want to have anymore children? What if I don't really feel like I'm doing a great job with the one I have? And why does it have to be all or nothing?
I just don't want to be owned again. I don't want anyone to feel like I owe them something. I don't want to feel obligated to do something that I don't want to because someone has done something for me. I don't want to be forced to live in some place that I hate and I don't want to be forced to spend time with people who I don't enjoy. I don't want to have to answer for every dime that I spend and I don't want to feel paranoid that someone is going to make a decision that will adversely effect my life.
So, following along my thought path, in order for this whole thing to work I have to find a man who I can trust with all of that. TRUST? FUCK! I don't even trust myself with all of this. I somehow patch it together from the advice I get from everyone I know. I parcel out decisions so that in the event that one of them is wrong the odds are in my favor. I am not capable of trusting someone like that. Am I doomed to be the old lady with the cats?
Any man who is high enough on my 'ladder' to even consider isn't going to accept that. And why should they? There are tons of available women who will readily give up everything they have in order to make babies. They'll sell their youth for a nice house in a good school district. If it's not babies and youth, it's something else that they are giving up. Why do you have to lose something to gain a relationship? Why can't you have it all? Well, that certainly makes me the greedy bitch.
Am I greedy? I don't think so. I don't want anyone else's stuff, I want my own. I want my own life and my own success and my own everything. I don't really care about money. It seems to be this big THING that gets in the way with people. I am SICK of guys thinking that the more money they make, the less personal qualities they need. Sure, he is a total jerk.. but he can buy shiny things! UGH But on the other end of the spectrum, the guy SEEMS alright but has major financial flaws. Can you REALLY trust someone with your life if he can't manage to pay his bills? I want to stick my fingers in my ears and yell 'lalalalalala' when the whole issue comes up. I've never had money and I've never needed expensive things. I AM spoiled to a certain extent, but it's my life and I can't put me last anymore.
Maybe I need to be alone. Then I can be in control and I will be the only one who has to pay for my mistakes and I will only have to pay for MY mistakes.
But at the end of the day, when it gets still and quiet. I want so badly to have someone to go to. I want to have somewhere that I belong. A warm place to lay my head down and feel safe. I want to be able to touch someone and know that they feel me, to look at someone and know that they see me. I have this deep NEED to give affection and nurture someone. To have that intimate bond. I need to be wanted and I want to be needed. But how can I expect that from someone when I can't give it in return? How can I say 'let me take care of you, let me worship you physically and emotionally but I don't want anything from you'? Doesn't that make me the evil that I'm trying to avoid? Won't they feel like they owe me something? Do they? No. All I really want is their time, affection, love. But you can't expect love. And if I expected the other two it would just leave a bitter taste in my mouth when I got them.
And what happens if I get too comfortable? What happens if I need someone else? Won't I just go back into my cage? Won't I feel like I have to be selfless and put them first and only think of them? Won't I just let myself be walked on when they eventually figure out that they can?
To be continued. I'm too ADD for this.
I'm fairly certain that I have no friends left, other than Sarah, and I'm honestly not sure why she still puts up with me. I think I have it all figured out and all together and then I fuck it up royally. I dropped a class that is essential to my degree and I'm hating myself for that today. I want to finish going to school and I want to have accomplished SOMETHING with my life. I'm really not sure what I'm doing, I'm in the drivers seat but I'm not really driving. I think I'm going on the same highway because that's where I was put to burn off some energy. I'm losing weight, at least my clothes are getting to be too big. I don't really care to eat. Yet, I'm hungry. There is something inside that's missing (SSDD) and I don't know what the fuck to do to try and soothe it now. I would cut myself except pain wouldn't change this. I'm too practical to participate in any of the fun behaviors that make it all better. I really want to finish school and I had myself convinced that I could hang on until December but now I'm not thinking that I can make it until May.
My roommate is working (not even full time) and making good money. I'm jealous and I really want to do what she's doing (I think I could do it with my eyes closed) but I worry that I wouldn't be able to go to school the same. What would you do? If I get a good job then I can afford to live in a bigger place and get Teagan out of my hair (my room) and dramatically improve my social life.
It's 7:48pm on a Sunday. I am writing a paper that is due tomorrow (hard ass teacher wanted one in the first week) and cramming for an exam in Science.
I have laundry in the machine. I have dishes in the washer. I have 3 different pots of food going so that I can hopefully save myself some time next week and avoid the lure of the drive-through. Teagan is planted in front of a movie and I am stressed out because I want to be asleep in 3 hours. The only thing propelling me forward is the complete disgust with the current situation. I just want two minutes to breathe.
I keep stalling and trying to steal away time in the computer, my favorite place to hide. I can't do it. I can't watch TV or a movie. I just CAN'T. When I have nothing to do I clean or I cook or I study. I just keep going. Someone pray that I get decent grades... that I wake up on time.. that I manage for another week.
I haven't been eating well. I either eat at McDonalds 3 times a day or I don't eat for an entire day. My hair is falling out, each time I shower I want to cry as I see my beautiful ribbons going down the drain. I have strange bruises on my body that I don't have any memory of getting. I just want for a minute to have nothing pressing. I just want for a day to have no urgent phone calls. I just want for things to be normal for a day so that I can enjoy a bubble bath sans guilt.
Meanwhile, I'm back to my paper.. there is laundry to fold.. Teagan needs a bath and food and a story. I have this paper to finish and hopefully I'll get some rest tonight.
If you take 28credit hours and raise a child on your own... please understand this is almost like suicide only way more masochistic.
It's official.. I'm divorced. When do I start feeling relief?
I'm shallow and self-absorbed. I'm anti-social. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm terrified of letting anyone get close enough to me to realize this. I ignore the people who care about me and seek approval from the strangest places. I crave sexual intimacy as a way to fulfill my emotional needs. I actually believe that if I try hard enough people will see how pretty I am on the outside and they won't notice how ugly I am inside. I would rather be sexually desecrated than held accountable for my complete ignorance of relationships. The more I hate myself, the more I talk about myself incessantly and cry out for someone to notice how wonderful I really am. But genuine compliments only make me feel worse.
I think deep down it really means that I feel lost and empty and lonely. I want to be loved and consumed and possesed and I desire the security that comes from that. I'm addicted to the emotional rush that comes from falling into and out of love. I'm addicted to the drama. When you take all that away from me I have to actually focus on my issues and that scares the crap out of me.
I just don't want to be alone, dear god please don't leave me alone inside of this head.
I think everyone has heard plenty about the stupidity that has happened in my life. A few short sentences can sum it up. Things keep happening, I keep getting stronger, but it still sucks. HA.. did it in one.
Right now I'm trying to understand the concepts of Academic Writing. ACK. I can barely spell so that's pretty "far out" not only am I required to write but I must understand, theorize, analyze and discuss various parts of whatever I just read. Look, I'm a world class arguer and I can bitch a blue streak... all these rules and long long long tedius chapters that go on and on explaining the same concept in 45 different ways are driving me insane. I have things to do people... not that I get what the hell you're trying to say anyway.
I can get into it, absorb myself momentarily... but this feeling keeps emerging. Something I was not aware of and didn't realize how deep and intense it was. ANGER. I was sitting here, frustrated with life, crying... I realized that I am very angry and I have not dealt with that. I don't think that I will be able to handle the things in my life effectively until I deal with the anger. Teagan is going to be with her grandmother this weekend and I am going to the batting cages. I will be taking along my handy dandy camcorder and I will post some sexy video of me knocking them to the back net. I can't play baseball to save my life (I don't run unless someone scary is chasing me and though those pants are scary, it's just not enough) but I can hit a baseball so hard that the stitches pop. Yeah.. I have some anger.
So, everyone do your voodoo for clear weather or something. I have a date with a batting cage. One more thing, if I read another fucking feminist essay I'm going to vomit. Sure, we lack a penis. Sure, our lives are different. But you ARE a lesbian (thankyouveryfuckingmuchAdrienneRich) quit speaking for us.
THAT IS ALL
I feel like my life is on some stupid loop of retarded things happening and then resolving and happening. WHY?!
I am trying really hard to take things in stride, to handle life and to move on. I am not having the best luck doing that today. I am fairly certain that I'm cracking!
My car has been out of service for a month. A FUCKING MONTH. A month without work. A month without Teagan in daycare. A MONTH of my life wasted. I found out today that the heads were machined wrong and my car will not be ready today. It will have to be taken back to the machinist because the first cylindar isn't holding compression. apparently this is supposed to mean something to me. I am broke and without my car I am screwed. I need to go to school, school starts Wednesday... without my car I can't get Teagan to daycare and cannot go to school. I could probably walk to school, but that means that I would have to give Teagan to Jake's mother. I can't stand the thought of giving my child away in order to get my life together. I can't take care of her if I don't finish school. It's this loop and I'm running out of time.
In the mean time, I've been stuck in the house for a month. I'm not losing any weight because I'm fucking depressed and I don't have the ability to go out and buy the kind of food that I need in order to lose. I'm almost out of bottled water again. I have got to find a way to the store before I get Teagan back because I'm out of milk... and juice.. and MOST of the shit she eats.
I have library books that are going to be 1 month past due soon. I have student loans to defer but I can't do that until I can go somewhere to make copies, so they could soon be in default. I haven't found an attorney because I haven't had a car.
I feel like the whole fucking world is falling apart because of this one stupid fucking thing. I am mostly pissed off because if I were anywhere near ANYONE who gave a shit about me I wouldn't be in this situation. I wouldn't feel so fucking hopeless!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I feel slightly better. Someone please shoot me and get it over with!
I talked to you by the shore, I had just fought my way to dry land. You held me by the fire and we talked for hours. I thought we would get up and walk back to camp. I thought you would come with me and we would leave that place behind. I told you all my secrets. I thought you told me yours. I didn't care that you couldn't swim. I didn't expect you to keep me afloat. I just wanted to hold your hand.
When you dove back in I was stunned. Did you expect me to swim after you? I tried you know, but it got too deep and lost my footing. When the water went over my head, I stood up and smoothed myself out and walked straight back to the bank.
I will not hold my head under water for crimes that I never committed. I'm sorry, but I cannot hold your hand when you do. I will not blame you for leaving me on the shore. I will not hate you for never coming back. I tried one last boat, but I wasn't willing to drown.
I'm sorry that you are. I threw you the rope. I told you how to reach it. I waited in the boat. I called out to you, but you told me I was wrong. We could disagree once you were dry, but you like the taste of the water. I don't have to blame you for ignoring the boat. I know that you blame yourself.
I will only sit in the cold and cry for so long. I will only try so much. But, I did try and I will have no regrets. If you put as much effort into swimming as you put into drowning, we'd both still be on the shore.